Today, for a totally odd reason, Emma and I decided to Google the surnames of the Rugrats. What you find dissected below is the first article that the search gave us.
As you read, you might not believe that this is a real article. But no matter how odd it gets, this is really the brainchild of Landover Baptist Church.
So here goes. Let the madness begin.
“Hollywood’s attempt to plunge this entire nation straight into the gutter hit a crescendo in recent years when the entertainment industry began using subliminal messages in movies and television shows covertly disguised as children’s entertainment to convey its depraved message. Godly Jerry Falwell was the first to discover this scheme when he reported that Teletubbies’, Tinky Winky, with his purple color, pink triangle hat and purse was the creation of radical homosexual activists who seek to convert our children to lives of sin.”
They start off strong. Tinky Winky IS clearly gay.
“The same was proved conclusively about Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie.”
I don’t know how you “prove conclusively” that Bert and Ernie are gay though. Footage of them having sex?
“Landover exposed the homo-loving Disney company’s efforts to promote sexual promiscuity with the release of the pornographic flick, Dinosaur.”
Admittedly, I did have to check the synopsis of this film. A baby dinosaur tries to find his family. Not sure how they get “pornographic” from that. Perhaps they’re getting it confused with this film.
“But whereas these productions conveyed their Satanic messages secretly, there is nothing subtle at all about the latest program to attack True Christian® values. Nickelodeon’s Rugrats, made to look like a children’s cartoon to divert the attention of mainstream society, is nothing more than an obscene skin flick created to satisfy the most vulgar and depraved cravings of society’s most deviant sex addicts.”
It’s here that we come to the heart of their article. Rugrats is vulgar and depraved. Ever watch the show? Wonder where in the world they are seeing these depraved acts? Let’s allow them to explain.
“Everything about this show appeals to the most prurient of interests. The surname of most of the show’s characters is “Pickles,” which is a euphemism for the male genitalia (along with “Sprout,” the nickname given to the main character by his grandfather). This is probably the least vulgar innuendo of the show.”
That’s right folks! The main character is really called Tommy Penis. And I’d be really disappointed if any girl referred to my penis as “Sprout”.
“The main character is a baby named Tommy, who is seen in every episode wearing a diaper with no pants.”
Like most babies.
“The diaper always appears full, extending far from the baby’s rear, undoubtedly delighting pedophiles with scatological fantasies. Tommy’s little brother is named “Dil Pickles” to drive home the attraction to the male anatomy. Worse yet, Dil’s only activity is to suck on everything he finds, including his own foot. (No fetish is left unsatisfied.)”
Like most babies.
“Tommy’s best friend is a sissified nerd named Chuckie, whom other children describe as a “fraidy-cat,” terrified of everything, particularly clowns. His bright red hair and square glasses only add to the pantywaist image, indisputably designed to promote and glorify the homosexual lifestyle.”
Now I’m confused. I’ve got red hair and glasses. Does that make me gay? And are all homosexuals scared of clowns?
“Susie, another friend, is the show’s effort to appeal to certain viewers’ chocolate fantasies. The fact that she is missing teeth serves only to convey her sexual role.”
Surely the fact that she is missing teeth convey that she is two?
“Even S & M is not left out of this obscene production. All the male children are terrorized by a butch girl named Angelica. She physically and verbally abuses the little boys, yet they keep coming back for more, frequently begging her to join them in their “play.””
Somehow, the fact that the main characters are forgiving and kind souls, who always off Angelica a new leaf, has been twisted into them being submissives who like to be beaten. The show is one step away from latex, apparently.
“Angelica inherited the dominatrix role from her mother, Charlotte, who is every feminazi’s dream – head of her own company with a personal assistant named “Jonathan” (not John) whom she constantly bosses around on the phone.”
A woman in charge of a company?! How dare they!
“Not surprisingly, the show goes to great pains to blur gender distinctions. Two twins, Phil and Lil, look exactly alike and do and say everything the same.”
Like twins.
“The only clue we get of their gender difference is that only one wears a bow. The twins are there to convey the appalling notion that there need be no difference at all between boys and girls.”
There does have to be a difference. Girls have to wear bows.
“Even the adults are portrayed in depraved fashion. Tommy’s father, Stu, is unemployed and spends all his time in the family’s basement, making “toys” (the show cleverly never reveals what these so-called “toys” really are).”
It is at this point that the inaccuracies start. Tommy’s dad was never unemployed. He just worked at home. And while we don’t know about his sex-toy side-project, we do see the actual kid toys in several episodes.
“Phil and Lil’s dad, Howard, constantly visits Tommy’s house, spending all his time in the basement with Stu, purportedly looking at Stu’s “toys.” (At least, the producers have the decency not to show them in action.)”
I love the idea of the two dads sexing each other up in the basement. I’ll let them keep that point.
“Because the fathers are busy with their “toys,” they never watch the children, who defy their parents’ orders and get into all sorts of trouble – another attack on family values.”
Or, maybe, a way to make the show more interesting than just babies sitting in a play pen. It’s like criticizing Dora’s parents for letting her wander the world exploring.
“Lest any sex fiends feel their quirks are unrepresented, guess again. The show has a lesbian. While Phil is playing with Stu’s “toys,” his wife of convenience, Betty, spends her time with other women. Betty is the stereotypical bull dyke – she speaks loudly, loves sports and wears a bandana around her head in every episode.”
A lesbian, who has a husband. So guys can’t wear glasses, and women can’t like sports, without being considered gay?
“Even bestiality is portrayed. On the show’s website, Tommy discusses his dog Spike by saying, “He lets me ride him and crawl on him and taste his food.” (Surely we don’t have to tell you what “food” is a euphemism for.)”
Dog food?
“It should come as no surprise that when the producers converted this obscure cable porn into a movie, they set the film in gay-Parie–the world’s most renowned city of sexual depravity, second, perhaps, only to Sin Francisco in terms of pure depravity.”
That was the second film. And don’t think “gay” Parie ever meant “Homosexual” Parie. It’s just a happy place to be. Right?
“We are fast approaching the point when only the End Times can save our families from Satan’s grasp.”
Rugrats has pushed society so far over the edge, the only way back is Armageddon. Harsh.
“Our demon-infested liberal society”
I knew there was something fishy about Obama.
“would gladly ban Joe Camel from the airwaves if he’s seen smoking a cigarette, but promote him as a valuable educational tool if he was enjoying the company of another male camel.”
Well, Joe Camel is advertising cigarettes, hence the ban. What would he be advertising by sleeping with Steve Camel? A range of glasses?
“With such perverted values so dominant, the answer is for every True Christian® to keep that television set off. Don’t allow your children anywhere near vulgar networks like Nickelodeon, Boom and the Cartoon Channel.”
Full of exploring girls, yellow sponges, happy smiling faces, and love.
“Put your children’s noses in the KJV Bible, where they belong.”
Full of death, sexism, homophobia, prostitutes, fire, brimstones, war, and historical inaccuracies.
I know which one I’d prefer my child to see.
So, in conclusion, Rugrats is the product of Satan, and everyone who watches it is going to hell. Luckily, for all of us, the website also has its very own “Kid’s Corner”. So what should we be teaching our children, if not the gospel of Tommy Pickles?
Do Retardeds Go to Heaven? The answer is “No”, by the way.
Why did Jesus have long hair like a Homo? He didn’t really. Those evil sinners just painted him that way.
Does Jesus watch me go Poopy? Yes, to stop you from masturbating.
And this is just a taster.
I swear, I began to think this site was a joke. But all evidence points to the fact that there really are people this nuts in the world.
I worry. I really do.
😀
Post-Script: I’ve since found out that the site is a parody, albeit a very convincing one. That’s a shame. Feel a little embarrassed now.
Sex, Death, and Fairy Tales 